Truth is I got carried away
Truth is things got unmanageable
Truth is I overdid it
Truth is I learned big lessons along the way
  
I am paying for it now, though. I've been stuck in limbo, unable to motivate, unable to focus, unable to literally sit down that I just bought myself a standing desk to help combat this blockage of mine. 

I've been bad about overdoing it before, but never to this degree and never with this feeling of incompetence. 

Looking back, trying to move forward, gives me so many feelings of shame and embarrassment and failure and fear, and I'm working really hard to face these things when I sit down in front of the computer screen. It is very exhausting and it's all in my head. 

So the truth is, I'm the problem. It's me.
And day by day, I am going to face this fear and this state of being to overcome because the big lesson here is to not overdo it again!!!!!!  

I got some tools to help me with that..
For instance, my happy finger is no longer happy~ I call my shutter finger my happy finger because it gets very happy when taking photos that it over takes, it presses the button too many times. 

I then discovered how amazingly fast and accurate my hyper continuous shutter mode is, and that got me into quite a huge gigantic pile of junk photos that takes me time to go through and delete. 

ugh. I did this to myself. piling the baggage of unworthy photography onto myself.. tho it is apart of the process isn't it. I had to learn what NOT to do.. I got a little overexcited about my new camera and all the newness, and that led to now where I am overwhelmed. 

I am OVER IT! 

ok! 

so
I'm going back to the basics of how I used to take photos which is old-school film style  
One. at a time.

I'm going to stay clear from that continuous mode unless I'm shooting babies or dogs. 

And I'm pretty excited about it honestly  

So there the truth is, I dug myself into a big big hole and now I am climbing my way out of it and in the middle of all this, I have been recovering from surgery and working a 12 step program in recovery there so there's been a lot going on in my mind and my body and my day-to-day 

A lot of surrendering and forgiving and accepting happening in my world.

One day at a time, one step at a time, one photo at a time 

Lesson learned: 
More is too much
Pause, take time and take up space. 
No need to rush this art form

Admitting defeat sucks but the only way I see things is ... up from here 🙌🏻💞 
​

Here I am, ready to sit and do the work. Ive been going over it in my mind this entire time, almost tricking myself into thinking that it is actually done. But each day I do this, each day I don’t get what actually needs done, done. I think what it is is, I needed to readjust my eyes. I think I wasn’t seeing clearly. I was battling internally about what is good enough and what isn’t. What is worth it, and what should be deleted, goodbye forever. I put so much pressure on myself that I stopped doing the thing that I love the most. I simply couldn’t get myself to sit down. I would do absolutely anything and everything else that I could think of. It is hysterical all the things ive done instead of my work. Alas, here I am. I am ready to admit defeat. I am ready to adult up. I am ready to level up. And in order to level up, I need to get through this next process…. The process of going back in time about 5 years and decide what is worth keeping and what is not worth it, and then do something about it… which is what? I think I will do both, my webpage and Facebook. I’ve been battling with where to put photos too… and I think what matters over time and in the end is that the photos were shared. Period. So the people have them that are in them. The rest is history. So going back to my life, and my lifes work of photography and being a photographer… I was torn trying to divide the two and what I come to realize is , no matter what, as an artist using the medium of a camera and photographs, I am delusional to think otherwise that I could and should separate the two. That realization came to me recently and I admit now that I, me, myself, has been in the way of myself ! And I am going to work on not getting in the way of that by admitting it and by swallowing pride and just doing the work. No more waiting. I will also be much faster with clients as well as not get so up tight about my freelance photography. I am also going to get the shop going and the blog… blog for sharing all my photography both life and work, and shop for adding my favorites both old and new! Everything else is extra like instagram and facebook. Like fame and fortune. Because I just need to not be so bottled up with back burner and continue to live in the moments and say yes and just shoot and not live so far in the past like 5 years. It is because the pandemic got me into a weird place on not wanting to share things as much, and so I took everything personally and now I realize, I cant live like that anymore and the way I was doing things, in 2014-2020; I loved that flow. I will get back to it, and better than before because I am clear minded and more organized and not so wanting to waste time and opportunities anymore. I am getting better and better. I sat down, finally… didn’t I. <3

I have come to the realization that all things are changing,
flowing,
going,
moving,
evolving,
trying,
dying... 
life is. 

As I try to capture it, as one does, it slips away... right thru my fingers... again. and again.

I have come to the realization that I have been grasping at this idea
​of the way things ought to be
for far too long.

For life is going to pass me by when I hold on this tight. 

Letting go and accepting just how everything.. is... is where I am at these days.

each day comes with practice and patience.
Each lucky moment I get the opportunity to ask myself
what it is that I want.
and then I get to answer..
hell yeses fill my world and it swallows me up with all its gooey ooey love vibes. 
It taste so so sweet... bathing in this stuff.

So let it be known, I am trying less
and doing more.

its not all gibberish ~ these days that are days just seemingly here to fill in the gaps.
every little bit matters.
every step back, every ah ha moment, every true breath of mindfulness
has its ways of resetting and giving me another chance
another chance for change. 
for its all an experiment of experiences anyways...

no more forcing it 

​I was scrolling through stories when I came to one from Mary. All it said was "fuck cancer."
I didn't know what or who she was referencing at first so I asked and she shared the new diagnosis of her & her love 's older puppers.  It's crazy how the universe works because I was going to hit her up anyway because she's been on my mind & I missed her and our play dates.
Luck have it that I happened to be free that weekend and so we made plans. 

📸
I  recently got a new camera too.  I really needed to practice and get my clicks in.
Mary has always been one of my favorite people to photograph and work with. So we were talking about playing around while checking out her new lil township
& with Iris's sudden prognosis...
It only felt right to take some Mommy & Me photos.
🖤

BUtt for real I love adding designing and photography together and so after making these amazing one-of-a-kind-custom-design pants for my girlfriend Bill, I asked her to take some snaps with my new camera and this is what we got ..

And while we were there, we went wondering around. The sun was hot, the moon was high and full and the city wasn't that smoggy. It was truly a beautiful winter day in LA. 

check out more by clicking "Read More"

You got another transplant! And she's awesome! Welcome to my favorite town~ city~ vally~seaside I have called home for 15years. I think she will do well here and I am excited to have a family member out here working on being her best creative self. Reminds me of someone I know ​💛

Hiii, How are you? Me? Oooo I am just dandy. This life is a good one, full of adventure and fun and friends and love. Its also full of learning lessons, making mistakes, accepting and denying challenges and making it work! Its not easy, and for a while I have not been very good at updating here or anywhere of whats really been happening.... Time~ just keeps going and it sometimes gets me all scrambled up. But I am only 35 and I have a lot left to do here!  So I am getting my ass back at it.. 

Need I say more? Nope.. I really don't.

When the sparkles just right, how could you not have a mini lil prep-shoot before the actual shooting of the night even begins. Thanks friends for stopping by.. and shooting me too! 

...all sorts of feelings. Fear seems to be the leading one. I feel it in my bones and I am desperate to release that wound up energy. Ok, Let me back up..

These last 2 years, with everything that is going on, my white privileged booty went to work. First, making masks, and then working on my own views; de-learning and educating myself on systemic racism, politics, where I get my news from, humanity and what is actually happening in the friggin world. It had me all crashing and burning and learning and rebirthing and then boom:
Kt 2.o has arrived. I am beyond grateful that tornado happened because if it weren't for it, my privileged ass may have taken longer to understand more of how the world works and how people are being treated. I cannot unsee and unlearn the truth, now.

​After that I started to get back to some art.. 

Burning Man kinda art. It was on for 2020- until it wasn't and once 2021 was canceled, us unicorns got together and thought that for sure they wouldn't go 2 years in a row would they?? My memory recalls that we started to just go for it and gather our resources like 2022 was on! God, I am so glad we started when we did! Looking back now, It would have been bananas if we didn't. We needed all the time we could get and also, now looking back, it was my excuse for not doing "Me". Pretty occupied with all things Charlie and also LOVING it. Leading is fun, and leading a creative project is next level. I was hella confident and I had big plans ~

and...... it all come thru! We did it! (If you want to hear more about that, go to my facebook and hear all the crazy stories and such.) Charlie looked HAWT and made it out every night and it took a big chunk of awesomeness out of my life <3 Which now that it is his last year and now that most of the dust is settled, I can close that chapter and continue on with my passions and other life purpose projects. 

Which is exciting, but also what I have been fearing. Fear of success, and of actually doing it! It being what I see what I want to do, give, be in this life. Sooooo I am conquering it by facing it and just doing it. . . 

Luckily, I already have a project in store ~ www.instagram.com/my.body.me/ ~and now that I have turned my frown upside-down, acknowledging that I did in fact lose some of my joy in this art, I am going back to the way I used to be~ with experience and equipment, and I have no doubt I will refill my cups with joy once again. I have already been feeling so inspired and motivated!

And even before my ART, I need to take care of myself. Mentally and physically, spiritually and socially. That has been a big learn for me recently. I tell ya, I may have gotten a little lost there but I am finding me, and just gotta be honest and do it in my time. 
One thing at a time
I got this. <3 

Take care of you- dont get lost like me and do what I did- keep on following that joy and ya know, its ok if you get lost too, because like me, you will be able to find it again.
​(at least I hope <3 I am hopeful for us all)

I just got back from a trip back east, Midwest, Toledo Ohio. And it was fabulous ✨ I got to reconnect with my loved ones and see how everyone’s going about their ways after this pandemic/during this pandemic. It’s not over so it feels weird to be out in the world and time is completely lost its meaning with me except for when I look at the little ones; they grow up so fast. It seems like even faster now that time is all weird. Little did I know that going back to Toledo would restore my faith in myself and my independence. Something about seeing where you come from, feeling that love and support from the homies, and feeing blessed have me all energized. There’s been a lot of things in life that keep getting in my way. (Me!) I’m ready to take my stand say what I came here to say in this life in the world, again, and simply do more art. Got to get back to that beginning where my fire was flaming hot .. . Back to the beginning when I was making art with my images instead of lifestyle photography, or things that I know brands would like because maybe I’ve seen something similar in a magazine or I found an idea on Pinterest or something.

im ready to dip my whole fucking body into tht pool of GO! Of getting thing done. I get stuck in my own ways and I see it and I’m here for my dreams and for what I know I’m cable of. I am cable and I will go harder. I know I can do this. I’m ready.
I am ready baby.
I’ve never been more ready in my whole life.
I got the skills and experience and will to learn more and passion to play and create something new.

​my new motto::::
✨Make something wild and beautiful,
weird and brilliant. ✨

a whole new perspective/ a whole new world!
💛✌🏼

Have been the words I’ve been telling myself for years now.
Y’all, I have so many posts that are the start of an idea but I have not gone into them and filled them all out, deep dived. I find myself silly at this point with all these empty shares that I really want to share and I will because I wrote them down, now.
​I’m such a Perfectionist you see and my posts need to be perfect, they can’t be rants per se, each word needs to be read and reread and written and re-written for it to be acceptable to me. And then time goes and I don’t post and 💥 I loose because I doesn’t share.
no more, not now.
I am working hard to not be a perfectionist and it might take my whole life and it will take a lot of work but I realize that I’m letting time slip by while I wait to be perfect because perfect is a thing that I think equals success. I thought, and I know now.
Now, is my favorite word (ok one of them). It’s a good reminder for me to just let go and post what’s happening because what’s happening is awesome and I want to share it, I want to document it, I need to document it and that’s more important than posting perfectly perfect post. Now,,
I have decided that firstly, I’m paying for this shit so what the fuck I should be posting every day and using this as an actual journal of my photography awesome life. And then, who is this really for? Its for me and that’s how it should be it’s a blog, it’s my blog. I am not perfect and I love that I know that now that changing and growing and learning and understanding and continuing to cycle through these creates a imperfect me and that’s exactly who I want to be.
so yes! Now I’m coming out
and I want the world to know
i got something to show.

so enough about that. Blah blah blah I am back to the blog blah blah blah hear me roar.

also, and very important update for this to continue: I can blog from my phone! Yay. Thanks weebly app.
✌🏼
​

I am not very good at blogging. 
and that's ok
I put so much pressure on myself and that needs to stop. 
I need to let it go. 
Being in a business all by myself, I knew, was going to be challenging. 
And in one single day, I simply cannot do it all.

letting go of the perfectionism is the biggest challenge of them all.
I am starting today! and everyday after this, to wake up and motivate to get something done. to allow the process to be. edit, here and there, make appointments and meetings, here and there, stay constant on this path.

lol here I go rambling on

I stopped posting about my 52 challenge in 2019. I did get to about 32 photoshoots. 
and I keep putting it off because time keeps flying and things keep happening. 
but, I shall finish! and it doesn't have to be perfect. 
​no it doesn't

the thing is, Gotta keep challenging myself. challenge myself to just, write! or create! and not let that perfectionism to creep in and stop the flow. here I go! 
Brave Little Kt.
​Posting, just to post. 

What a show. Wow. Amazing. So so amazing. Major success & a great opportunity to get my photographs printed, matted, and shown to other artists, creatives, & the community. 
And like all great things-  it flew right by!

I was doing pretty good staying on track with doing one a week, & for my 7th photoshoot I had a plan. When Seth and I were shooting at the beginning of the year for 1/52, I picked him up at his home and there I immediately noticed he lived next to an industrial factory. I have been fascinated with industrial factories ever since I was a little girl with all of its lights; greenish and sparkling in the distance, I would call them "Emerald Cities." After my small flashback, I turned to Seth and told him I wanted to do a second shoot with him and the factories, and so we did about a month later. 

A true beauty from Canada that spends half of her time here in Southern California because
-well Duh!-
She's a real gem; a very wise, very kind soul that I got the privilege of photographing not once but twice here in Cali. This photo shoot was all about promoting her lifestyle, Arbonne, and book club!

click on the links above ^ to check out and join her book club, follow her on instagram and read all about Arbonne on her site & Facebook business page!! 
​

Practicing Portraits 

with George Kailas ​

was EPIC. So much SNOW OMG. For week 2 of my 52 I knew I'd be gone to the mountains and not available to set up a photo shoot. So I brought my camera with me. 

 It's been a good crazy busy motivational year so far, & I am loving it!

This new year I've taken on a challenge to do 1 photoshoot a week.
I keep referring it as "52." Lucky 52. Hopeful 52. 52 Faces. 52 adventures.
52 stories to be told through my lens.
52 blogs about the trials and tribulations I will be going through to get to those 52! 

It is going to push me to the limit and I am (obviously) more than thrilled about it. 

The year started with a BANG! A bang of (just)one unfortunate event.
And it made me (re)learn some of the photography business basics such as
taking deposits for photoshoots to ensure that the date and shoot are still happening.
I did have my first photoshoot planned and scheduled and in my head it was happening but unfortunately the shoot had to be canceled due to lack of communication
(half on my part, lesson #2) and change of traveling plans for my client.
This time of year is always hard...

Luckily I did have another shoot planned this same weekend. So I still got my 1st shoot in! 
yay!

Confessions:
I tend to get too busy keeping my hands busy and not exercising my words and mind.
​Well~ I hope to break this habit and share more of whats happened, and what is happening.

How do I stop being so busy?? Well, I don't. So I had to come up with a plan to be able to do ALL the things and still be able to express myself the way I want. Suddenly it came to me; I will dedicate my morning time of my days to drink coffee (first, of course), sit down in front of the computer and get to writing, researching, invoicing, e-mailing, scheduling, etc. If I use this dedicated time to do these important things, then I can spend the rest of my day getting my hands dirty.

This is the second year where I tackled both my photography and my designing. Through these two years, I have realized that balance is extremely important to stay afloat. Balance is all about time management and therefore, I am going to do my best to manage my time, better than it has ever been. Also, this year I realized that being a custom designer does not mean making inventory. This means that I will be slowing down my vending. I will be spending more time with my photography instead. I plan on making completely different designs then what you have seen (click here-Custom Designs) & instead of vending, I will be creating an online catalog filled with photographs of models wearing the looks & that way I can share my photography & my designs best! If people want to buy the look from the catalog, they can do so. This will make sure that every design is one-of-a-kind made only for YOU! 
Yay!

Now, some of my blog post to come are going to be from a few months ago, or even years, but hey I have a lot to say and have a lot of artist who've collaborated with me that I haven't been able to share with the world, yet.  (<-Keyword)
it’s all about art, love, beauty, community, passion, compassion and simply just being 100%.
Thank you all for believing in me and allowing me to be that 100%
Here we go!